Friday, August 8, 2014

Almost Red

“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.” ―Zelda Fitzgerald

It's been a long time since I feel this way,
I'm trying to write you beautifully more than I can imagine.

Those beautiful but sad eyes,
You're exactly the poem I wanted to write.

Like you are surrounded by bright lights and different hues,
And when closely looked at,
You're more than the colors of the whole spectrum...

The more I delve into your eyes,
The more I wonder on your beauty, your strength, your callousness, and your warmth.
Your voice momentarily played back in my head again,
Maybe I wouldn't get enough,
Even if it is ringing ten times over.
The stars, the sun, and even the moon collide,
To form this instantaneous crash of specks inside...

Looking at you feels like looking at sunrise,
The dust, the morning dew, and the cool breeze merged into one.
Like I'm facing the crimson blaze of fire,
Captivating. Radiating. Fiery.
There's so much passion in totality...

I rethink the times I felt like you're there,
The times that I felt like you understand, like I matter.
Have you ever thought that maybe you are important as you think you are to me?
Perhaps I am remembering you in the kindest, sincerest, and in the most heartfelt possible way.
It felt so surreal more than vividly real... 

This beating of my heart never felt this rushed,
Like it was, and is still going fast paced all around the corner.
I couldn't get a catch of what it is supposed to be.
All I know is this ray of hope that maybe we will find each other.
Maybe later or maybe tomorrow,
Or maybe the days after that or maybe the years to come,
I don't know exactly when but I know it would be perfect...

Courage, dear heart.
No need to fear.
No need to hold back.
And maybe, just maybe, this is right―maybe, just maybe, I could feel again...

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Waiting While Raining

“I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one’s thoughts. It is easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence–easier sometimes than to wait patiently.” ―Elisabeth Elliot

Aaaahh, waiting.
Feels like I am back on that road again.
That word never fails to amaze me.
I could not even think about not relating that word to every tidbit of my life―it is like a part of me that comprises the years of my existence.

Have you waited for something?
Or someone, perhaps?
How does it feel?
I mean, "How does it really feel?"

Maybe we all have the same answers once in a while.
Sometimes, it is tiring.
And a whole lot more.
Whatever the feeling may be, one thing I know I am certain ofwe are hoping.
In that moment, in the span of time we are waiting, at the very deep, intimate, core of our hearts, we definitely know that we are hoping for it to come to us. Even if it is the tiniest hint of bravery to continue to hope for it through the passage of time.

Looking back, the past year has been a fruitful one for me. I have experienced so many things, and encountered so many great people along the way. For that's the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance, but even the most beautiful days eventually have their endstheir inexplicable sunsets. I have seen that partwherein the flowers have not bloomed yet, and the sun has seemed to be covered by dark gray clouds. I guess, that season must come to an end to make way for a new one but it was a closing period for me that left me wide-struck and silent at the same time.

It was an unexpected turn of events.
It was a nightmare.  
I was left with nothing but tons of tons of questions of "why" and "how" did it all happen.
I was not prepared for it and maybe I have not realized it until it happened.
I am a strong person, or I thought I was but I am not, not until I have God.
That moment when I poured out my heart to HIM again and again and again, just so to put all the hurt away. I could not care less if I felt so broken and helpless to HIM, all I know is I am in need of the loving arms of my Father―my Daddy God. HE is the only One that stays when all have fade away. 

My tears.
They have always been precious to HIM.
HE perfectly understands and HE cares for me.
Though my heart is aching, I hold on to HIS promises, to HIS truths, to HIS Word.
I have nothing else to turn to but HIM.
I know HE will never leave me or forsake me.
Oftentimes, I have said to myself, "I have endured so many hardships before, I should be stronger now." But then I realized that I am a work in progress here. Changing from glory to glory, day by day by my Maker. 
I am not the standard, I was not, and I will never be.
I need HIS grace.

I remember that one thing, I have been praying to the Lord since then. I know it means a lot to HIM as it means a lot to me. It is one of my deepest heart's desires and one of the longings of my insatiable dreams―a breakthrough in my career.
It might sound big, folly or unbelievable but that is how great God is.
HE answered my prayer.
The waiting is finally over.
After months and months of striving, persisting, and crying, it paved way.
It has arrived.
It is worth it.

It is that time when you sat at the far end corner of your room, your eyes closed and your heart opened, you reminisce God's works in your life then suddenly fat tears streamed down your face. That precious moment when you pound your chest 'cause you can't contain the warmth inside of you, and all you could do is kneel, pray, and cry for joy. No words needed, for God knows exactly what is going on. HE doesn't require eloquence and pretty words but a sincere, honest, exposed, unmasked, empty, and a laid bare heart―ALL FOR HIM.

Waiting on God, knowing what I am waiting from HIM, and trusting HIM at the same time, in spite of all the things that I have been through, is definitely priceless.
All along, I thought I was waiting for God to do somethingto move, to turn the situation around but I didn't realize that the whole time, the person I was waiting for was myself.
I was so engrossed with the difficulties going on, I overlooked that HE was waiting for me too.
HE is teaching me something.
Teaching me not to give up.
Teaching me to trust HIM wholly.
Teaching me to be still and know that HE is the One in control.
Teaching me to let go and let HIM take over.
Teaching me to WAIT for HIM.
Teaching me to understand and to embrace that HIS ways are higher, and HIS plans are always better than mine.

The grandest thing that I have ever done to myself is learning and accepting that God does not intend me to wait, unless HE sees that it is good for me to wait.

In that waiting era,
I have understand HIS heart more.
I have trusted HIM more.
I have grown in all aspects of my life more, and I have loved more.

I will never forget that HE who promised is FAITHFUL (Hebrews 10:13).

Thank you my Daddy God. :')

Soli Deo Gloria!

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