To The One Who Got Away

“But maybe that isn't so bad. You can't love anyone that way more than once in a lifetime. It's too hard and it hurts too much when it ends. The first boy is always the hardest to get over. It's just the way the world works.” ―Sarah Dessen


Uhmm, Hi.
You know it's been so long since the last time I saw you.
Probably the longest time we didn't talk and I haven't heard your voice.
You would even think that this is all absurd, 
Don't worry, that's what I've thought too.

But I wanted to ask you something. Something that I terribly missed saying to you.
I hope you don't mind.

"Was it easy?"
I mean, was it easy leaving me? You know, saying all the good stuffs, thinking of forever, and all the future with me?
"Was it easy?"
Walking away like we were nothing? or like I was nothing? Pretending you care about me the most, but I wasn't even aware that I was just your second choice?
Was it worth it?"
Moving on fast paced and then you looked back in your life, and realized that I'm just a so-called "verse" in your song. The "setting" in your story, and the "space" between your first and last sentences?
And lastly,
"How did you do it?"
Going through each day like I never really mattered?

I might never know the answers to these, and maybe I might never hear those answers coming from your lips. Believe me, I've tried. I've tried so hard to erase you and your memory in my heart but I just can't. 

Probably, I never will. 
You know, you were the first one I have deeply fell in love with.
You were the first one who told me that "I am special."
You were the first one who told me that "Serving God with all of my talent, with all of my mind, and with all of my heart is worth it. It's the highest calling of one's purpose."
You were the first one who swept me off my feet, and made me head-over-heels in love.
You were the first one who made me love and embrace music more, since you showed me how it can brighten up one's mood.
You were the first one that made me feel beautiful, happy, and loved all at the same time.
You were the first one that I have told to "Please take good care of my heart."
You were the first one that I have ever trusted with my unguarded emotions.
You were the first one that I have held hands with.
You were the first one that I will ever miss, even if you're right there in front of me.

And with so many things, I could not even write it all here.
I am afraid I might run out of words, simply because you were the first.

As what Johnny Depp had said, "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you really love the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

But why?
Why does it have to be in a point of you getting confused?
If you really have loved me, you would not think twice.
There would never be choices in the first place.
But I was wrong.

I admit, I really miss how things used to be.
But I can also admit that I have accepted the fact that things have changed.
You will always be my favorite "What if" and "If only".

Too many high hopes.
Too many disappointments.

Is it wrong to love a person, to let him be happy? with someone else, even if it breaks you?
I thought that you would not give up on people you love, but there will come a time―an inevitable circumstance in your life, that you would have to.
Not because you love them less, and they have hurt you but because you love them so much you are willing to catch all the pain just to make them happy.
With or without you.


Heartbreak.
My first ever sentimental scar.
It was like the first roller coaster ride headed to melancholy and right passing through doom's end. It felt like it was a genius of sadness, and I had immersed myself in it, separating the numerous strands of emotions, and appreciating its subtle nuances―all at the same time. I felt like it was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.


I think that the worst part of it, is not losing you, it was losing me.
It felt that when I lost you, I actually lost myself too.
But that was long gone, I just wanted you to know a fraction of how did it feel―at least to me.

Hey, I know this is so irrelevant now, but I just wanted to say "Thank you." 
I don't know why I am saying this, but it feels right.
It feels so right.

There were so many things that I am thankful for having that wonderful experience.
Maybe, "thankful" is an understatement actually, but perhaps I can't have it any other way.
God made me realized that I need...
To love Him more than anything else, more than anyone else,
To trust Him more than I ever trust myself,
To place and entrust my heart in God's hands and guard it in the most possible way I can,
To value myself worth, and refrain from finding happiness in the arms of somebody else.

The tears made me wiser.
The hurt made me stronger.
The remnants of my once broken heart made me braver.


Thank you, I have learned so many things, so many things learned the hard way.
Thank you, I have seen how God mend all the broken pieces of myself.
Thank you, I have hope and still believe in true love―the one that God had prepared for me, that man who loves God more than he loves me.
Thank you, I have experienced all the enigmatic and surreal mix of fantasy and reality.
The joy, the sadness, and all those feelings in between.

I have no idea and would not probably know when will we ever meet again,
but when that time comes,
I will show you my best smile or maybe I could even hug you or maybe I will do both.
I would never know the faintest idea then.
Mr. Time holds the moment, I would have to guess for now.

I want to remember your face.
I want to remember your smile, and
I pray that you are always happy, safe, blessed, and loved.


I just want you to know, that you will always be my special memory―that a part of you will always stay here in the farthest corner of my mind, and that you will always occupy a little space here in the deepest recess of my heart. 

A Loud Throb

“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart.” ―C.S. Lewis


At a distant silhouette of him, I barely don't know what's going on. He seemed so afar and rankled, yet he still occupies my mind. Isn't it hard to look at him, when I want to regret it slyly afterwards?

Somehow, just the glimpse of him fired up all the heat inside of me, and I can't deny the feeling of warmth sensation swept over my body, that sent shivers to my bones the moment I held his gaze.

How could it all be wrong when every moment of bliss feels so right?

and certainly there's no one to inculpate for every sudden emotion I am feeling right now.

I never knew that having without him in my life scared me to death though, I live my life in amenity before he came.

I openly took hold of everything just to be with him, but maybe I took it for the worst.

Complications got on the way.

Somehow, I thought that everything is just a sham, a lie, one in a million false pretense, and purely adventitious.

But my heart goes at directions my mind can't.

I've known we've gotten a long way already, way too far to put all these behind.

We both knew we could not be together.

We could never be.

Simply because of "Who I am, and who he is.".

Rivalries and iniquities has its bait to spoil and screw everything between us, and it's parlous.

I am in hurt right now.

I hate the feeling of vulnerability surpass me.

Paroxysm has already filled me.

Was my emotions engraved within my very soul?

I hear my heart cries even more.

Being so pathetic away from him.

I know he wound a lot, but it's a million times deeper compared to what I am feeling at the moment.

If we could only pick up what we'd left,

and pursue what we really feel,

I knew I could never been happier in my life.

As my tears silently fall, he dared took a chance to look at me again.

Hoping those piercing eyes could hear what my heart has to say,

Of all the things that it has to be, and should have been.

A/N:

I dedicate this to all who loved and got lost along the way.

/*November 4, 2008*/