You Just Left

“I knew that there were no guarantees. No way of knowing what came next for me, or him, or anybody. Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.” ―Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby


Cold.
The feet that seemed so eager to be here in this place a while ago to see you, will not even begin to move.

Empty.
The heart that beats so fast the moment I saw your face, suddenly collapsed painfully in my chest making it harder to breathe.

Gone.
The eyes that shines so bright the minute I held your gaze, stares at your retreating back, looking to the long and winding road you're headed to.

Tears.
They just flow.
They keep on coming out.
I can not help it.
I wanted to catch all those that fell from the ground.
These tears felt precious, they felt surreal―painfully and evidently more real.

I hung my head down, I can not even look at your direction anymore.
I do not even want to, it hurts so much.
My heart is exploding, pounding inside my chest, screaming for great escape.
I do not deserve this, but maybe I do not deserve this kind of love from you.

"Goodbye."
I really thought that this is easier said than done, but it was not for me.
I was wrong.
It was a thousand times deeper of great despair when done.
The words escaped your lips freely, flawlessly, and smoothly more than I ever thought possible.
More than I can ever imagine.

We used to be happily in love, we used to be happy. Period.
But that was the word, "used".
Past tense.
Long time ago, you asked me to break it off, for you to set things right and face issues within yourself.
As the one who always understands, I agreed to your decision.
But I want you to realize that whatever you have to go through, you do not have to face it alone.
We are a team.
You have me, remember?
I am here.
Beside you.
Behind you.
Anywhere near you.
Anywhere you want me to be.
Always.
But the thing is, you wanted to be alone.
You wanted to be left behind.
You wanted to be away from me just once.

At first, I thought it was some kind of a sick joke, or an understatement that have gone overboard but looking through your eyes, I know it was not.
So I realized, I needed to. I have to.
I would definitely spare the silent plea in your eyes after saying so.
I know giving you the space you need will help me trust you more.
But maybe, I trust you more than I should―more than necessary to the point of breaking my heart twice.
Long before, I thought the ones who love us will never leave us.
I thought you are far from the usual.
But I was wrong again.


Days.
Weeks.
Time has passed by, and spending it without you, made me feel something is really missing.
I tried to tell you how I felt the moment you cut me off, off your life for a while and it sucks.
It really does.
Not until now.
Not after you finally bid your farewell merely half and a million seconds ago.

This is so vivid, crystal clear, and whiter as snow.

You are gone.
You are really gone this time.

You are not the same person who asked me to give you time alone.
I thought, the person who left a while ago was not you. 
Maybe I knew deep inside, that it was not you when you came back.
Maybe all along, I knew things will get to this, the moment you asked me out to talk over things that have had happened between us.
We are caving in, we are slowly drifting apart.
We wanted different things.
And maybe I knew right then and there, it will all be over.
Now it is really over between us.


There is no longer an "us".
As I sit here by the bench, I hugged myself tighter.
Closer.
I wouldn't want to let myself go.
I wouldn't want to let it go.
I wouldn't want to let you go.
My hope of forever is on the line, our promise of lifetime commitment is on the brink of sinking now.
You have your reasons.
You are lost.
I wanted to find you.
I wanted to tell you that everything will be alright.
I wanted to just love you all over again.


Asking me to set you free is harder than I could ever imagine, and it was like diving into white-water rapids and having no desire to hang on to the side. Throughout the current, it was wild, exciting, and risky, I might have died. I couldn't help but try to stay with you, to keep pace with you, and to not let you out of my sight.


I have been hanging and holding it all together for too long―that I had forgotten myself.
But I can not be selfish anymore.

I know that you can not love me in the same way before, and in any possible way if you don't love yourself first.
You can not make me happy, if you are not happy anymore.

I can not deny you of that.
You need it more than I do.
You need to find your way back home.


Though I am hurting right now, I have no regrets.
I do not want to live knowing that I would be happy with someone else, or knowing that you will find someone new.
All I know is I did the right thing.


There is no easy way out, out of this pain, out of this anger, out of this despair.
This is unfair but I can not blame you.
I do not want to.
I can not blame myself either.
I am just mad because I miss you.
I am mad at you for leaving me alone with my thoughts, for allowing me to wonder if you were more than just a bully or a pain in the head.
I am mad at you for perpetuating that stupidly unbelievable humor, for letting me think it was true, or what I thought it was, for missing me again.
A miss that had left me shaking and speechless, and most importantly for making me realize that goodbye is a wonderful opportunity for us to appreciate all the great things the next hello would give us.
I miss you.
I really do.
I miss you even more after we part.
I know I will miss you now, and tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the days after that.

Someday, I can learn to forgive you, I just can not do it now.
I do not know when but definitely I knew it in my heart that I can.
The scar you left is an open wound needed to be healed by God ten times deeper.

The amount of sadness I feel is the kind of sadness that will go along with time.
The loneliness will surpass eventually.
It is not easy.
It will never be easy to understand at how, where, and why things have to end this way.
Of all the questions, I have asked myself these a thousand times,
"What went wrong?",
"Am I not good enough?",
"How could you do this to me?".


There you go, you are gone for good.
There goes my forever, there goes my heart.
What a bittersweet memory!
A memory.
That is what you are, but thank you.
I know this will make me stronger.
This will make me wiser.

I pray to God, to heal and to mend my broken heart.
I couldn't have it any other way.

I pray that even if I am no longer a part of your life, that even if I am no longer have a special place in your heart, I still wanted to say that I will always be a friend, that a part of me will always stay with you.

There is one thing I ask of you, it might be nonsense now, but hear me out, just this once.
This might be the last time I will ever say this,

"Please don't forget me, my love for you goes beyond depth, beyond time, and it will take all of me to make this feeling end, because I will always remember you...
I will not forget that you left...
You just left."  



A/N: 

/*This one is not from my own personal experience, this story is of my friend's. My friend's experience moved me, and inspired me to write this. I just put a personal touch to it. I can relate to the story somehow, 'cause I have been there, and had done that. I solely dedicate this to those who were left behind by the one they loved, and to those who got lost along the way...*/

To The One Who Got Away

“But maybe that isn't so bad. You can't love anyone that way more than once in a lifetime. It's too hard and it hurts too much when it ends. The first boy is always the hardest to get over. It's just the way the world works.” ―Sarah Dessen


Uhmm, Hi.
You know it's been so long since the last time I saw you.
Probably the longest time we didn't talk and I haven't heard your voice.
You would even think that this is all absurd, 
Don't worry, that's what I've thought too.

But I wanted to ask you something. Something that I terribly missed saying to you.
I hope you don't mind.

"Was it easy?"
I mean, was it easy leaving me? You know, saying all the good stuffs, thinking of forever, and all the future with me?
"Was it easy?"
Walking away like we were nothing? or like I was nothing? Pretending you care about me the most, but I wasn't even aware that I was just your second choice?
Was it worth it?"
Moving on fast paced and then you looked back in your life, and realized that I'm just a so-called "verse" in your song. The "setting" in your story, and the "space" between your first and last sentences?
And lastly,
"How did you do it?"
Going through each day like I never really mattered?

I might never know the answers to these, and maybe I might never hear those answers coming from your lips. Believe me, I've tried. I've tried so hard to erase you and your memory in my heart but I just can't. 

Probably, I never will. 
You know, you were the first one I have deeply fell in love with.
You were the first one who told me that "I am special."
You were the first one who told me that "Serving God with all of my talent, with all of my mind, and with all of my heart is worth it. It's the highest calling of one's purpose."
You were the first one who swept me off my feet, and made me head-over-heels in love.
You were the first one who made me love and embrace music more, since you showed me how it can brighten up one's mood.
You were the first one that made me feel beautiful, happy, and loved all at the same time.
You were the first one that I have told to "Please take good care of my heart."
You were the first one that I have ever trusted with my unguarded emotions.
You were the first one that I have held hands with.
You were the first one that I will ever miss, even if you're right there in front of me.

And with so many things, I could not even write it all here.
I am afraid I might run out of words, simply because you were the first.

As what Johnny Depp had said, "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you really love the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

But why?
Why does it have to be in a point of you getting confused?
If you really have loved me, you would not think twice.
There would never be choices in the first place.
But I was wrong.

I admit, I really miss how things used to be.
But I can also admit that I have accepted the fact that things have changed.
You will always be my favorite "What if" and "If only".

Too many high hopes.
Too many disappointments.

Is it wrong to love a person, to let him be happy? with someone else, even if it breaks you?
I thought that you would not give up on people you love, but there will come a time―an inevitable circumstance in your life, that you would have to.
Not because you love them less, and they have hurt you but because you love them so much you are willing to catch all the pain just to make them happy.
With or without you.


Heartbreak.
My first ever sentimental scar.
It was like the first roller coaster ride headed to melancholy and right passing through doom's end. It felt like it was a genius of sadness, and I had immersed myself in it, separating the numerous strands of emotions, and appreciating its subtle nuances―all at the same time. I felt like it was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum.


I think that the worst part of it, is not losing you, it was losing me.
It felt that when I lost you, I actually lost myself too.
But that was long gone, I just wanted you to know a fraction of how did it feel―at least to me.

Hey, I know this is so irrelevant now, but I just wanted to say "Thank you." 
I don't know why I am saying this, but it feels right.
It feels so right.

There were so many things that I am thankful for having that wonderful experience.
Maybe, "thankful" is an understatement actually, but perhaps I can't have it any other way.
God made me realized that I need...
To love Him more than anything else, more than anyone else,
To trust Him more than I ever trust myself,
To place and entrust my heart in God's hands and guard it in the most possible way I can,
To value myself worth, and refrain from finding happiness in the arms of somebody else.

The tears made me wiser.
The hurt made me stronger.
The remnants of my once broken heart made me braver.


Thank you, I have learned so many things, so many things learned the hard way.
Thank you, I have seen how God mend all the broken pieces of myself.
Thank you, I have hope and still believe in true love―the one that God had prepared for me, that man who loves God more than he loves me.
Thank you, I have experienced all the enigmatic and surreal mix of fantasy and reality.
The joy, the sadness, and all those feelings in between.

I have no idea and would not probably know when will we ever meet again,
but when that time comes,
I will show you my best smile or maybe I could even hug you or maybe I will do both.
I would never know the faintest idea then.
Mr. Time holds the moment, I would have to guess for now.

I want to remember your face.
I want to remember your smile, and
I pray that you are always happy, safe, blessed, and loved.


I just want you to know, that you will always be my special memory―that a part of you will always stay here in the farthest corner of my mind, and that you will always occupy a little space here in the deepest recess of my heart. 

Beyond My Grasp

“I don't think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains.” ―Anne Frank

Each new day is like an ocean wave returning to the shore.

I have no idea what it will bring, just as I have no idea what surprises the surf will lay at my feet. On calm days, ordinary shells are left at the water's edge, but after stormy weather, all kinds of treasures are churned up from the deep—rare finds for those with the patience to uncover them.

The phases of life itself are as unpredictable as the moods of the ocean.

Sometimes smooth, sometimes turbulent.

But beyond this mystery lies one certainty,
While I can never know what gives life will bring.

I can trust that every sunrise offers possibilities.

Every day holds beautiful moments and new dreams, waiting for me to come, and find them.


A/N:

/*February 09, 2012 | 08:22 PM*/

Leap Year

“I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.” ―Nicholas Sparks


I didn't even notice at start that you just want to walk away...

Why is the feeling of loneliness and emptiness lingering on? Why am I hurting so bad? when I know you don't get hurt at all.

I have tried to block your memory to protect me from the pain,
pretend I never knew you, and never heard your name.
But the walls are not strong enough and I fight my tears in vain.
The feeling came creeping through and the hurt is still the same.
I wish I could forget you, or make you see me now.
The pain will ease in time, and though I know it’s over and what we had is gone,
the memories will live forever in the farthest corner of my mind.

—All those words above were written million and a half hours ago. I know, it's been so long.

I could never regret what something wonderful happened.

It will be forever cherished in my heart, a lifetime worth of lessons and memories will always be there.

I am continuously learning and believing that people have different outlooks on love but whatever are those, there's only a single truth behind every heartaches.

Love hurts when God knows we deserve someone else.

It's just that you can not possibly say that, that person really is the one.

Someday someone might come into your life and love you the way you have always wanted.

If your someday was yesterday, learn.
If your someday is tomorrow, hope.
If your someday is today, cherish.

The one God has meant for us is going to be the hardest to get, the hardest to keep, and the hardest to accept because through all that love will grow stronger, bonds will become thicker, and the future will become more clear.

Everything is going to be alright. It may not be today or tomorrow,
but God will make sure you are okay in the end.


A/N:

/*August 19, 2012 | 11:13 PM*/

A Loud Throb

“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart.” ―C.S. Lewis


At a distant silhouette of him, I barely don't know what's going on. He seemed so afar and rankled, yet he still occupies my mind. Isn't it hard to look at him, when I want to regret it slyly afterwards?

Somehow, just the glimpse of him fired up all the heat inside of me, and I can't deny the feeling of warmth sensation swept over my body, that sent shivers to my bones the moment I held his gaze.

How could it all be wrong when every moment of bliss feels so right?

and certainly there's no one to inculpate for every sudden emotion I am feeling right now.

I never knew that having without him in my life scared me to death though, I live my life in amenity before he came.

I openly took hold of everything just to be with him, but maybe I took it for the worst.

Complications got on the way.

Somehow, I thought that everything is just a sham, a lie, one in a million false pretense, and purely adventitious.

But my heart goes at directions my mind can't.

I've known we've gotten a long way already, way too far to put all these behind.

We both knew we could not be together.

We could never be.

Simply because of "Who I am, and who he is.".

Rivalries and iniquities has its bait to spoil and screw everything between us, and it's parlous.

I am in hurt right now.

I hate the feeling of vulnerability surpass me.

Paroxysm has already filled me.

Was my emotions engraved within my very soul?

I hear my heart cries even more.

Being so pathetic away from him.

I know he wound a lot, but it's a million times deeper compared to what I am feeling at the moment.

If we could only pick up what we'd left,

and pursue what we really feel,

I knew I could never been happier in my life.

As my tears silently fall, he dared took a chance to look at me again.

Hoping those piercing eyes could hear what my heart has to say,

Of all the things that it has to be, and should have been.

A/N:

I dedicate this to all who loved and got lost along the way.

/*November 4, 2008*/

Flightless Birds Across The Horizon

“The day I understood everything, was the day I stopped trying to figure everything out. The day I knew peace was the day I let everything go.” ―C. JoyBell C.



Have you ever felt that you've been alone for so long?

As if you're really in a crowded place, being with people, enjoying everything that has been happening, and yet there's this still small voice inside that keeps whispering to your inner soul.

You want to be happy.
You are trying to be but you just seem can't.

Being used to getting hurt is never easy.
It never was.
I don't think it will be easy to suddenly make it go away.

Have you ever felt being so numb from the pain and yet you're still asking yourself,"Why does it still hurts?"

There's so many questions running in your head, yet you can't put everything into words and still you want it to somehow release you from your sacred haven—the world you created.

That world is so far away, only you can fathom its height and depth.
A world built from walls and burned bridges.
A place you can call your own.

Being inside your world makes you feel alive.It boils the blood through your veins.It awakens your sunken soul.

Beneath the morbid shadow of yellow and blues, this place resembles your sanctuary.
Your refuge.
The serenity and peace it offers makes you feel restless.
Home. At last.

But it is never enough to stay in your beautiful world.
Sometimes, there's a need, there's a hunger to fly away and make a great escape.

There will come a time that you wanted to search and go forth to something you have been longing to find.
To seek the answers to the questions that you never thought you wouldn't get answers to.
You want to take flight and let the wind lead you where you can go.

Let the soft breeze carry your wings, and free your spirit.
Let it free your burdened soul.

Let go.
Let it go.

Of Tulips And Dreams

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.

Coming straight from the bottom of my heart, my lips start quivering as the words refuse to flow out my fingertips.

Not all scars show, not all wounds heal.

Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels.

What's the sense of wishing for something when I always just wish it away?
I am having second thoughts about how far I should go into the story.

 Every night I talk to the stars pretending as if they have emotions of their own.
Though they're all far away and never reply to my questions.
Let the moon stay still, with every movement, of the flower as the rain falls.

Why do people tell you to believe in what you want to but then tell you not to believe in the one true thing you do believe in?

Do not assume that those who seek to comfort you now, live untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good.
Their lives may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remain far beyond yours.
Were it otherwise, they would never have been able to find those words.
those words almost a hypnosis that carries on its will.

I will not be broken.
Just live and breathe, again.

There once was a time, when silence meant nothing to me.

Staring at the world, through the hole you put through my head.
It was like slowly falling to pieces, and painting a colorful mosaic, of autum leaves on the ground.
Yet the still wind, and rain move continuously on its pace, like a flower but still there is light.
But no more fragrance, no more petals.
Just like the wind and the rain.


Though my eyes told of forever, but yours they're frozen in a hailstorm.
November wrapped you gray, and December saw you fade away.

So when you've finally made up your fickle, ever-changing mind.
Make your way down to the boiling heat and bleeding sky.

Look for me and reach for my hand, and I'll let you know that I'm doing all I can.

  

 A/N:
/* Made last January 19, 2012 at 03:02 AM*/