You Just Left

“I knew that there were no guarantees. No way of knowing what came next for me, or him, or anybody. Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.” ―Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby


Cold.
The feet that seemed so eager to be here in this place a while ago to see you, will not even begin to move.

Empty.
The heart that beats so fast the moment I saw your face, suddenly collapsed painfully in my chest making it harder to breathe.

Gone.
The eyes that shines so bright the minute I held your gaze, stares at your retreating back, looking to the long and winding road you're headed to.

Tears.
They just flow.
They keep on coming out.
I can not help it.
I wanted to catch all those that fell from the ground.
These tears felt precious, they felt surreal―painfully and evidently more real.

I hung my head down, I can not even look at your direction anymore.
I do not even want to, it hurts so much.
My heart is exploding, pounding inside my chest, screaming for great escape.
I do not deserve this, but maybe I do not deserve this kind of love from you.

"Goodbye."
I really thought that this is easier said than done, but it was not for me.
I was wrong.
It was a thousand times deeper of great despair when done.
The words escaped your lips freely, flawlessly, and smoothly more than I ever thought possible.
More than I can ever imagine.

We used to be happily in love, we used to be happy. Period.
But that was the word, "used".
Past tense.
Long time ago, you asked me to break it off, for you to set things right and face issues within yourself.
As the one who always understands, I agreed to your decision.
But I want you to realize that whatever you have to go through, you do not have to face it alone.
We are a team.
You have me, remember?
I am here.
Beside you.
Behind you.
Anywhere near you.
Anywhere you want me to be.
Always.
But the thing is, you wanted to be alone.
You wanted to be left behind.
You wanted to be away from me just once.

At first, I thought it was some kind of a sick joke, or an understatement that have gone overboard but looking through your eyes, I know it was not.
So I realized, I needed to. I have to.
I would definitely spare the silent plea in your eyes after saying so.
I know giving you the space you need will help me trust you more.
But maybe, I trust you more than I should―more than necessary to the point of breaking my heart twice.
Long before, I thought the ones who love us will never leave us.
I thought you are far from the usual.
But I was wrong again.


Days.
Weeks.
Time has passed by, and spending it without you, made me feel something is really missing.
I tried to tell you how I felt the moment you cut me off, off your life for a while and it sucks.
It really does.
Not until now.
Not after you finally bid your farewell merely half and a million seconds ago.

This is so vivid, crystal clear, and whiter as snow.

You are gone.
You are really gone this time.

You are not the same person who asked me to give you time alone.
I thought, the person who left a while ago was not you. 
Maybe I knew deep inside, that it was not you when you came back.
Maybe all along, I knew things will get to this, the moment you asked me out to talk over things that have had happened between us.
We are caving in, we are slowly drifting apart.
We wanted different things.
And maybe I knew right then and there, it will all be over.
Now it is really over between us.


There is no longer an "us".
As I sit here by the bench, I hugged myself tighter.
Closer.
I wouldn't want to let myself go.
I wouldn't want to let it go.
I wouldn't want to let you go.
My hope of forever is on the line, our promise of lifetime commitment is on the brink of sinking now.
You have your reasons.
You are lost.
I wanted to find you.
I wanted to tell you that everything will be alright.
I wanted to just love you all over again.


Asking me to set you free is harder than I could ever imagine, and it was like diving into white-water rapids and having no desire to hang on to the side. Throughout the current, it was wild, exciting, and risky, I might have died. I couldn't help but try to stay with you, to keep pace with you, and to not let you out of my sight.


I have been hanging and holding it all together for too long―that I had forgotten myself.
But I can not be selfish anymore.

I know that you can not love me in the same way before, and in any possible way if you don't love yourself first.
You can not make me happy, if you are not happy anymore.

I can not deny you of that.
You need it more than I do.
You need to find your way back home.


Though I am hurting right now, I have no regrets.
I do not want to live knowing that I would be happy with someone else, or knowing that you will find someone new.
All I know is I did the right thing.


There is no easy way out, out of this pain, out of this anger, out of this despair.
This is unfair but I can not blame you.
I do not want to.
I can not blame myself either.
I am just mad because I miss you.
I am mad at you for leaving me alone with my thoughts, for allowing me to wonder if you were more than just a bully or a pain in the head.
I am mad at you for perpetuating that stupidly unbelievable humor, for letting me think it was true, or what I thought it was, for missing me again.
A miss that had left me shaking and speechless, and most importantly for making me realize that goodbye is a wonderful opportunity for us to appreciate all the great things the next hello would give us.
I miss you.
I really do.
I miss you even more after we part.
I know I will miss you now, and tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the days after that.

Someday, I can learn to forgive you, I just can not do it now.
I do not know when but definitely I knew it in my heart that I can.
The scar you left is an open wound needed to be healed by God ten times deeper.

The amount of sadness I feel is the kind of sadness that will go along with time.
The loneliness will surpass eventually.
It is not easy.
It will never be easy to understand at how, where, and why things have to end this way.
Of all the questions, I have asked myself these a thousand times,
"What went wrong?",
"Am I not good enough?",
"How could you do this to me?".


There you go, you are gone for good.
There goes my forever, there goes my heart.
What a bittersweet memory!
A memory.
That is what you are, but thank you.
I know this will make me stronger.
This will make me wiser.

I pray to God, to heal and to mend my broken heart.
I couldn't have it any other way.

I pray that even if I am no longer a part of your life, that even if I am no longer have a special place in your heart, I still wanted to say that I will always be a friend, that a part of me will always stay with you.

There is one thing I ask of you, it might be nonsense now, but hear me out, just this once.
This might be the last time I will ever say this,

"Please don't forget me, my love for you goes beyond depth, beyond time, and it will take all of me to make this feeling end, because I will always remember you...
I will not forget that you left...
You just left."  



A/N: 

/*This one is not from my own personal experience, this story is of my friend's. My friend's experience moved me, and inspired me to write this. I just put a personal touch to it. I can relate to the story somehow, 'cause I have been there, and had done that. I solely dedicate this to those who were left behind by the one they loved, and to those who got lost along the way...*/

A Loud Throb

“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart.” ―C.S. Lewis


At a distant silhouette of him, I barely don't know what's going on. He seemed so afar and rankled, yet he still occupies my mind. Isn't it hard to look at him, when I want to regret it slyly afterwards?

Somehow, just the glimpse of him fired up all the heat inside of me, and I can't deny the feeling of warmth sensation swept over my body, that sent shivers to my bones the moment I held his gaze.

How could it all be wrong when every moment of bliss feels so right?

and certainly there's no one to inculpate for every sudden emotion I am feeling right now.

I never knew that having without him in my life scared me to death though, I live my life in amenity before he came.

I openly took hold of everything just to be with him, but maybe I took it for the worst.

Complications got on the way.

Somehow, I thought that everything is just a sham, a lie, one in a million false pretense, and purely adventitious.

But my heart goes at directions my mind can't.

I've known we've gotten a long way already, way too far to put all these behind.

We both knew we could not be together.

We could never be.

Simply because of "Who I am, and who he is.".

Rivalries and iniquities has its bait to spoil and screw everything between us, and it's parlous.

I am in hurt right now.

I hate the feeling of vulnerability surpass me.

Paroxysm has already filled me.

Was my emotions engraved within my very soul?

I hear my heart cries even more.

Being so pathetic away from him.

I know he wound a lot, but it's a million times deeper compared to what I am feeling at the moment.

If we could only pick up what we'd left,

and pursue what we really feel,

I knew I could never been happier in my life.

As my tears silently fall, he dared took a chance to look at me again.

Hoping those piercing eyes could hear what my heart has to say,

Of all the things that it has to be, and should have been.

A/N:

I dedicate this to all who loved and got lost along the way.

/*November 4, 2008*/

One Last Look

“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out.” ―Stephen King

I smiled back as he walked away, but all the lovely butterflies in my stomach landed one by one in a cold, dead heap...

"It should have been so easy." I said to myself. But now I understand more that it is not. It was and never will be easy to say the things that have been kept inside me for so long.

I remember this passage I had read a long time ago:

"One of the deepest looks that cast a heavy weight on my heart is the look people have when they turn around their shoulder to stare at their love walking away.
It’s such an emotional expression on their face which cannot be simply described; a smile of serenity and tenderness mixed with pain and sore. It’s like there’s nothing in the world around them but vanishing dreams and dead hopes.Yet they’re still there, watching their loved one walk away.
They don’t stop them. They know it’s in vain.
They don’t even turn around; it’s like stolen gazes.
But they keep staring.
Quietly.
Silently.
With that fading ever sweet smile.
A smile of memories and the once-upon-a-time fantasies.
A tear or two slide down their cheek, leaving tainted sparkles.
It’s sad.
And what’s worse is that their looks suddenly go down – when the shadows of their loved one disappear behind the bushes — a moment of realization.
The world gets back; the trees, the birds, the cold breezes and the chats of strangers around.
The earth is turning and time is ticking again.
They give a smile…and continue walking in their own direction.
Never knowing if they’re going to meet that person again.Understanding, alas, that they were never meant to be."

There. Imagine what exactly a person feels after that one last look.
Painful.
Inevitably too painful.

With that one last look, you slowly turn your back...and try to move your feet forward.
Maybe this has been my great escape and my choice at the same time.

I didn't know that it was possible to continue walking, 'til I realized that I have walked so far.
So faraway from him.
Him and his memories. 

From that moment, I locked up my heart and erased what has been there for so long, I knew that it would take time for it to be opened again but I don't mind.

All I know is that I'm tired of fighting my feelings for and to unknown reason, and I'm tired of being hurt in silence...

In silence, I cried.
In silence, I loved.
In silence, I said goodbye...
Maybe it has to be this way or it should be this way.

"I am sorry it took so long for me to catch up, I just got stuck. I will not regret the day I had feelings for him but I was just sorry for allowing those feelings to hurt me and to hurt God." I sincerely said to myself, and with these words along with these tears flowed freely. I knew this could get any better.

It will be better,
and I will be...

I will continue walking away.

More than anything else, I am glad that I learned to give and to take.
I am happy that I had loved him.
Even if I didn't expect him to love me in return,
Even if he didn't love me at the time that I did, I feel it in my heart that he loved me in the best way he knows how..

No words have spoken, no actions done but the string that holds our hearts will remain and that connection will never be forgotten.

I felt it.
I just knew.