Waiting While Raining

“I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one’s thoughts. It is easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence–easier sometimes than to wait patiently.” ―Elisabeth Elliot

Aaaahh, waiting.
Feels like I am back on that road again.
That word never fails to amaze me.
I could not even think about not relating that word to every tidbit of my life―it is like a part of me that comprises the years of my existence.

Have you waited for something?
Or someone, perhaps?
How does it feel?
I mean, "How does it really feel?"

Hmmm.
Maybe we all have the same answers once in a while.
Sometimes, it is tiring.
Saddening.
Painful.
Infuriating.
And a whole lot more.
Whatever the feeling may be, one thing I know I am certain of―we are hoping.
In that moment, in the span of time we are waiting, at the very deep, intimate, core of our hearts, we definitely know that we are hoping for it to come to us. Even if it is the tiniest hint of bravery to continue to hope for it through the passage of time.

Looking back, the past year has been a fruitful one for me. I have experienced so many things, and encountered so many great people along the way. For that's the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance, but even the most beautiful days eventually have their ends―their inexplicable sunsets. I have seen that part―wherein the flowers have not bloomed yet, and the sun has seemed to be covered by dark gray clouds. I guess, that season must come to an end to make way for a new one but it was a closing period for me that left me wide-struck and silent at the same time.

It was an unexpected turn of events.
It was a nightmare.  
I was left with nothing but tons of tons of questions of "why" and "how" did it all happen.
I was not prepared for it and maybe I have not realized it until it happened.
I am a strong person, or I thought I was but I am not, not until I have God.
That moment when I poured out my heart to HIM again and again and again, just so to put all the hurt away. I could not care less if I felt so broken and helpless to HIM, all I know is I am in need of the loving arms of my Father―my Daddy God. HE is the only One that stays when all have fade away. 

My tears.
They have always been precious to HIM.
HE perfectly understands and HE cares for me.
Though my heart is aching, I hold on to HIS promises, to HIS truths, to HIS Word.
I have nothing else to turn to but HIM.
I know HE will never leave me or forsake me.
Oftentimes, I have said to myself, "I have endured so many hardships before, I should be stronger now." But then I realized that I am a work in progress here. Changing from glory to glory, day by day by my Maker. 
I am not the standard, I was not, and I will never be.
I need HIS grace.

I remember that one thing, I have been praying to the Lord since then. I know it means a lot to HIM as it means a lot to me. It is one of my deepest heart's desires and one of the longings of my insatiable dreams―a breakthrough in my career.
It might sound big, folly or unbelievable but that is how great God is.
HE answered my prayer.
The waiting is finally over.
After months and months of striving, persisting, and crying, it paved way.
It has arrived.
It is worth it.

It is that time when you sat at the far end corner of your room, your eyes closed and your heart opened, you reminisce God's works in your life then suddenly fat tears streamed down your face. That precious moment when you pound your chest 'cause you can't contain the warmth inside of you, and all you could do is kneel, pray, and cry for joy. No words needed, for God knows exactly what is going on. HE doesn't require eloquence and pretty words but a sincere, honest, exposed, unmasked, empty, and a laid bare heart―ALL FOR HIM.

Waiting on God, knowing what I am waiting from HIM, and trusting HIM at the same time, in spite of all the things that I have been through, is definitely priceless.
All along, I thought I was waiting for God to do something―to move, to turn the situation around but I didn't realize that the whole time, the person I was waiting for was myself.
I was so engrossed with the difficulties going on, I overlooked that HE was waiting for me too.
HE is teaching me something.
Teaching me not to give up.
Teaching me to trust HIM wholly.
Teaching me to be still and know that HE is the One in control.
Teaching me to let go and let HIM take over.
Teaching me to WAIT for HIM.
Teaching me to understand and to embrace that HIS ways are higher, and HIS plans are always better than mine.

The grandest thing that I have ever done to myself is learning and accepting that God does not intend me to wait, unless HE sees that it is good for me to wait.

In that waiting era,
I have understand HIS heart more.
I have trusted HIM more.
I have grown in all aspects of my life more, and I have loved more.

I will never forget that HE who promised is FAITHFUL (Hebrews 10:13).

Thank you my Daddy God. :')

Soli Deo Gloria!

My Intimate Solace

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way.” ―C.S. Lewis

I find myself standing at the end of the road.
I see nothing and no one from a far,
Am I lost?
Am I the only one here?
Why does I feel like I am alone?

I continued walking to the other side.
A thousand thoughts are running in my head, and I keep repeating the last memories that I had before ending up here. I see the fields of trees nearby, the luscious green of leaves, and the variant colors of flowers blooming. Those are the most beautiful that I have ever seen so far, the most fragrant of smells indeed.

Maybe this isn't so bad after all, roaming in this isolated place surrounded by wonderful scenes, making me realize that there's so much more I have been missing.

From the farthest corner of the road upon turning, I saw a sign "This way to your home."
I am in doubt if ever I will follow that direction, but I would have need to trust my gut feel at the moment.
There is nobody else here, is there?
From whom will I ask?
Okay, maybe this time I would really have to trust myself in this.

Hope upon hopes, I turned left and took the road going to that 'way home'―whatever kind of home that it has been showing.

As I continue wandering, I looked at the skies and saw the flocks of birds flying.
There were so many of them―seagulls, doves, pigeons. I felt elated watching them soar, made me wonder if ever I would be like them just for a while.

For a moment, I am jealous of those birds. They could go to places they want, at anytime they please. Their spread wings in the horizon are just too interesting to ignore. But after a while, I am glad that I am not a bird. I feel like it would be so tiring going to many places everyday, and flying amidst the air all throughout the rest of  your life. I couldn't be more contented enough that thankfully I am not one of them.

I am so tired of walking, I am starting to get thirsty. I feel like my throat has been roughly dry, but still I know there is a river or stream or any body of water out there. I must keep going.

In times like these, I wonder if I am in an alternate universe perhaps? or the ones that I have been reading are really true? Okay, that is absurd.
It sounds crazy, but I miss the place where I came from.

The sound of running water is nearby, and I run to that direction. Upon reaching the stony path on the right way, I saw a waterfall. This is the first time that I have ever seen one. It is so beautiful―crystal clear, calm. and vivid color of blue streaming down. I suddenly drop to my knees and with my both hands pouring the water so I could finally drink.

That was so refreshing. I felt ten times awake and rejuvenated. I also washed my face and arms afterwards.
As I sit here in the grass, I saw a large boulder, more likely it seemed it is a gate, covering whatever that is behind. I really had a great feeling that behind that boulder is the 'home' that the sign had lead me to.

Think. 
How could I get through that?
How could I pass through?

I know I am not a skilled climber or hiker but I must really try to do it. I would have to climb the rocks on the side, so I could jump at the top of it. Searching my surroundings I have found a vine to hold onto, and to make it my anchor climbing up. I had thrown the vine at the other side of the rock gate and hook it at the nearest branch of tree for it to steady.

This is the hardest part.
I am not used to heights and climbing but as I stepped my right foot, and hold both hands to the vine, I urge to step my other foot next.
It was swinging slightly, I am afraid I might fall right away.

"Lord, help me.", I said out loud. I didn't notice that I was starting to cry fat tears and was not able to step up my right foot again to the next rock.
I am hopeless.
I might be stuck in here.
I will not be able to make it through here.

"That is not true." I suddenly whipped my head upon hearing that edible voice. 

What was that? 
Who is it?
Am I insane?

"No, you are perfectly okay and normal at the moment." It answered.

"Who are you?", 'Where are you?", "Can you please help me?" I replied. I thought I almost begged for the last one that I had said.

"Calm down child, You know me. You really do. I am where you think I might be." The voice suddenly assured me.

I knew right there and there who it is, and at that precise moment, I felt relieved. I felt safe. I continued crying as I finally realize that my saving grace is here. There is always hope, I am starting to feel alive again.

"I was, I am, and I will always be forever in your heart child. You knew that, you would just have to trust me." It affirmed me.

"I, I trust You. No matter how painful sometimes it can be, I am trusting you." I replied, still crying with my outburst.


"I know. But those were the times that you trust Me and yet doubt still. I deserve nothing less than your whole trust, your whole being, your whole mind, heart, and soul." It replied back.

That whole statement moved me. It is really difficult hanging here in the vine and along with my emotional and spiritual feelings combined. Yes, it is true and I felt more remorse than I had before. At times, I only think of the things that I need to do, or the things that I need to say, to please Him, to obey Him but I totally forgot that no matter what I say or do, He will always be good. He will always be faithful to me. He is the one who gives and takes away. He is the One who is always in control. He holds my life, and if the moment He wants to stop the beating of my heart, He can. It's not about me, it is and will always be about Him. I would die trying to obey Him completely, but it will not always be enough if I doubt His works in my life, if I trust Him half-heartedly.

"Lord, I'm sorry. I really am. I am so messed up. I am not worthy of Your forgiveness, I might be the worst perso―" I bowed my head in defeat. My chest suddenly aches in the hardest way.

"My child, I have loved you with a loving kindness long before it all began, before you were formed in the womb. It is finished. Abide in me always, and I will abide in you. Now, I will bring you back home. Lift your right hand and close your eyes." The voice promised me.

"Thank you. I will be forever grateful. I am ready now." I cried saying those words. It just felt so right, then I lifted my right hand and closed my eyes.


I felt a feathery softness touch my hand, and all the while I saw white. It was like a blazing brightness, blinding my sight. Then, I finally looked around, and all I see is the familiar smell of my room, the unmistakable softness of my bed. 
Right.
It was dream. Yeah, it was just a dream.
But it felt so surreal, possibly more than real.
I placed my hand at my chest, where the subtle beats of my heart resounds―yes, I am here. I am alive. I am awake, and I am blessed.

Sitting up, I prayed and poured out my heart to God for all the things He has done, and continuously doing in my life, and for this incomparable joy that I am feeling at the moment.

As I reflect, and looked back on the past and the life that I have lived, sometimes God allows us to face circumstances in which it would test the very core of ourselves.
Sometimes, in those situations, it felt like it was a now or never battle that we need to face, that we knew deep inside that it's a battle worth fighting for. But often times, we have also forgot that it is not our battle alone but His―that apart from Him we are nothing. It's like chasing after the wind, utterly and inevitably meaningless and in vain.

Now I know, that God allows unanswered prayers, not because He loves us less when we sin but He wants us to realize that we need Him more. More than the prayers we are asking of. More than the things He could give or do for us. More than anything else before Him. 

I realized that I need Him. Him alone.That He is the only answer to my endless 'whys' and buckets of 'ifs'.That my life would mean nothing if I don't have Him―as my Savior, my Father, my friend, my Redeemer, my Counselor, my peace, my joy, and all the other attributes of Him.

My life, and my journey begins and will end in Him.

Thank you Abba Father for Your unfailing love.
There's nothing good in me, but with a broken, a pure, a contrite, and a humble heart―I ask that You seal my heart and make it a heart after Yours.

And as I wait for You, I am made faithful.

Soli Deo gloria! :') ♡♡♡