Almost Red

“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.” ―Zelda Fitzgerald

It's been a long time since I feel this way,
I'm trying to write you beautifully more than I can imagine.
Those beautiful but sad eyes,
You're exactly the poem I wanted to write.
Like you are surrounded by bright lights and different hues,
And when closely looked at,
You're more than the colors of the whole spectrum...

The more I delve into your eyes,
The more I wonder on your beauty, your strength, your callousness, and your warmth.
Your voice momentarily played back in my head again,
Maybe I wouldn't get enough,
Even if it is ringing ten times over.
The stars, the sun, and even the moon collide,
To form this instantaneous crash of specks inside...

Looking at you feels like looking at sunrise,
The dust, the morning dew, and the cool breeze merged into one.
Like I'm facing the crimson blaze of fire,
Captivating. Radiating. Fiery.
There's so much passion in totality...

I rethink the times I felt like you're there,
The times that I felt like you understand, like I matter.
Have you ever thought that maybe you are important as you think you are to me?
Perhaps I am remembering you in the kindest, sincerest, and in the most heartfelt possible way.
It felt so surreal more than vividly real... 

This beating of my heart never felt this rushed,
Like it was, and is still going fast paced all around the corner.
I couldn't get a catch of what it is supposed to be.
All I know is this ray of hope that maybe we will find each other.
Maybe later or maybe tomorrow,
Or maybe the days after that or maybe the years to come,
I don't know exactly when but I know it would be perfect...

Courage, dear heart.
No need to fear.
No need to hold back.
And maybe, just maybe, this is right―maybe, just maybe, I could feel again...

Waiting While Raining

“I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one’s thoughts. It is easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence–easier sometimes than to wait patiently.” ―Elisabeth Elliot

Aaaahh, waiting.
Feels like I am back on that road again.
That word never fails to amaze me.
I could not even think about not relating that word to every tidbit of my life―it is like a part of me that comprises the years of my existence.

Have you waited for something?
Or someone, perhaps?
How does it feel?
I mean, "How does it really feel?"

Hmmm.
Maybe we all have the same answers once in a while.
Sometimes, it is tiring.
Saddening.
Painful.
Infuriating.
And a whole lot more.
Whatever the feeling may be, one thing I know I am certain of―we are hoping.
In that moment, in the span of time we are waiting, at the very deep, intimate, core of our hearts, we definitely know that we are hoping for it to come to us. Even if it is the tiniest hint of bravery to continue to hope for it through the passage of time.

Looking back, the past year has been a fruitful one for me. I have experienced so many things, and encountered so many great people along the way. For that's the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance, but even the most beautiful days eventually have their ends―their inexplicable sunsets. I have seen that part―wherein the flowers have not bloomed yet, and the sun has seemed to be covered by dark gray clouds. I guess, that season must come to an end to make way for a new one but it was a closing period for me that left me wide-struck and silent at the same time.

It was an unexpected turn of events.
It was a nightmare.  
I was left with nothing but tons of tons of questions of "why" and "how" did it all happen.
I was not prepared for it and maybe I have not realized it until it happened.
I am a strong person, or I thought I was but I am not, not until I have God.
That moment when I poured out my heart to HIM again and again and again, just so to put all the hurt away. I could not care less if I felt so broken and helpless to HIM, all I know is I am in need of the loving arms of my Father―my Daddy God. HE is the only One that stays when all have fade away. 

My tears.
They have always been precious to HIM.
HE perfectly understands and HE cares for me.
Though my heart is aching, I hold on to HIS promises, to HIS truths, to HIS Word.
I have nothing else to turn to but HIM.
I know HE will never leave me or forsake me.
Oftentimes, I have said to myself, "I have endured so many hardships before, I should be stronger now." But then I realized that I am a work in progress here. Changing from glory to glory, day by day by my Maker. 
I am not the standard, I was not, and I will never be.
I need HIS grace.

I remember that one thing, I have been praying to the Lord since then. I know it means a lot to HIM as it means a lot to me. It is one of my deepest heart's desires and one of the longings of my insatiable dreams―a breakthrough in my career.
It might sound big, folly or unbelievable but that is how great God is.
HE answered my prayer.
The waiting is finally over.
After months and months of striving, persisting, and crying, it paved way.
It has arrived.
It is worth it.

It is that time when you sat at the far end corner of your room, your eyes closed and your heart opened, you reminisce God's works in your life then suddenly fat tears streamed down your face. That precious moment when you pound your chest 'cause you can't contain the warmth inside of you, and all you could do is kneel, pray, and cry for joy. No words needed, for God knows exactly what is going on. HE doesn't require eloquence and pretty words but a sincere, honest, exposed, unmasked, empty, and a laid bare heart―ALL FOR HIM.

Waiting on God, knowing what I am waiting from HIM, and trusting HIM at the same time, in spite of all the things that I have been through, is definitely priceless.
All along, I thought I was waiting for God to do something―to move, to turn the situation around but I didn't realize that the whole time, the person I was waiting for was myself.
I was so engrossed with the difficulties going on, I overlooked that HE was waiting for me too.
HE is teaching me something.
Teaching me not to give up.
Teaching me to trust HIM wholly.
Teaching me to be still and know that HE is the One in control.
Teaching me to let go and let HIM take over.
Teaching me to WAIT for HIM.
Teaching me to understand and to embrace that HIS ways are higher, and HIS plans are always better than mine.

The grandest thing that I have ever done to myself is learning and accepting that God does not intend me to wait, unless HE sees that it is good for me to wait.

In that waiting era,
I have understand HIS heart more.
I have trusted HIM more.
I have grown in all aspects of my life more, and I have loved more.

I will never forget that HE who promised is FAITHFUL (Hebrews 10:13).

Thank you my Daddy God. :')

Soli Deo Gloria!

My Intimate Solace

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way.” ―C.S. Lewis

I find myself standing at the end of the road.
I see nothing and no one from a far,
Am I lost?
Am I the only one here?
Why does I feel like I am alone?

I continued walking to the other side.
A thousand thoughts are running in my head, and I keep repeating the last memories that I had before ending up here. I see the fields of trees nearby, the luscious green of leaves, and the variant colors of flowers blooming. Those are the most beautiful that I have ever seen so far, the most fragrant of smells indeed.

Maybe this isn't so bad after all, roaming in this isolated place surrounded by wonderful scenes, making me realize that there's so much more I have been missing.

From the farthest corner of the road upon turning, I saw a sign "This way to your home."
I am in doubt if ever I will follow that direction, but I would have need to trust my gut feel at the moment.
There is nobody else here, is there?
From whom will I ask?
Okay, maybe this time I would really have to trust myself in this.

Hope upon hopes, I turned left and took the road going to that 'way home'―whatever kind of home that it has been showing.

As I continue wandering, I looked at the skies and saw the flocks of birds flying.
There were so many of them―seagulls, doves, pigeons. I felt elated watching them soar, made me wonder if ever I would be like them just for a while.

For a moment, I am jealous of those birds. They could go to places they want, at anytime they please. Their spread wings in the horizon are just too interesting to ignore. But after a while, I am glad that I am not a bird. I feel like it would be so tiring going to many places everyday, and flying amidst the air all throughout the rest of  your life. I couldn't be more contented enough that thankfully I am not one of them.

I am so tired of walking, I am starting to get thirsty. I feel like my throat has been roughly dry, but still I know there is a river or stream or any body of water out there. I must keep going.

In times like these, I wonder if I am in an alternate universe perhaps? or the ones that I have been reading are really true? Okay, that is absurd.
It sounds crazy, but I miss the place where I came from.

The sound of running water is nearby, and I run to that direction. Upon reaching the stony path on the right way, I saw a waterfall. This is the first time that I have ever seen one. It is so beautiful―crystal clear, calm. and vivid color of blue streaming down. I suddenly drop to my knees and with my both hands pouring the water so I could finally drink.

That was so refreshing. I felt ten times awake and rejuvenated. I also washed my face and arms afterwards.
As I sit here in the grass, I saw a large boulder, more likely it seemed it is a gate, covering whatever that is behind. I really had a great feeling that behind that boulder is the 'home' that the sign had lead me to.

Think. 
How could I get through that?
How could I pass through?

I know I am not a skilled climber or hiker but I must really try to do it. I would have to climb the rocks on the side, so I could jump at the top of it. Searching my surroundings I have found a vine to hold onto, and to make it my anchor climbing up. I had thrown the vine at the other side of the rock gate and hook it at the nearest branch of tree for it to steady.

This is the hardest part.
I am not used to heights and climbing but as I stepped my right foot, and hold both hands to the vine, I urge to step my other foot next.
It was swinging slightly, I am afraid I might fall right away.

"Lord, help me.", I said out loud. I didn't notice that I was starting to cry fat tears and was not able to step up my right foot again to the next rock.
I am hopeless.
I might be stuck in here.
I will not be able to make it through here.

"That is not true." I suddenly whipped my head upon hearing that edible voice. 

What was that? 
Who is it?
Am I insane?

"No, you are perfectly okay and normal at the moment." It answered.

"Who are you?", 'Where are you?", "Can you please help me?" I replied. I thought I almost begged for the last one that I had said.

"Calm down child, You know me. You really do. I am where you think I might be." The voice suddenly assured me.

I knew right there and there who it is, and at that precise moment, I felt relieved. I felt safe. I continued crying as I finally realize that my saving grace is here. There is always hope, I am starting to feel alive again.

"I was, I am, and I will always be forever in your heart child. You knew that, you would just have to trust me." It affirmed me.

"I, I trust You. No matter how painful sometimes it can be, I am trusting you." I replied, still crying with my outburst.


"I know. But those were the times that you trust Me and yet doubt still. I deserve nothing less than your whole trust, your whole being, your whole mind, heart, and soul." It replied back.

That whole statement moved me. It is really difficult hanging here in the vine and along with my emotional and spiritual feelings combined. Yes, it is true and I felt more remorse than I had before. At times, I only think of the things that I need to do, or the things that I need to say, to please Him, to obey Him but I totally forgot that no matter what I say or do, He will always be good. He will always be faithful to me. He is the one who gives and takes away. He is the One who is always in control. He holds my life, and if the moment He wants to stop the beating of my heart, He can. It's not about me, it is and will always be about Him. I would die trying to obey Him completely, but it will not always be enough if I doubt His works in my life, if I trust Him half-heartedly.

"Lord, I'm sorry. I really am. I am so messed up. I am not worthy of Your forgiveness, I might be the worst perso―" I bowed my head in defeat. My chest suddenly aches in the hardest way.

"My child, I have loved you with a loving kindness long before it all began, before you were formed in the womb. It is finished. Abide in me always, and I will abide in you. Now, I will bring you back home. Lift your right hand and close your eyes." The voice promised me.

"Thank you. I will be forever grateful. I am ready now." I cried saying those words. It just felt so right, then I lifted my right hand and closed my eyes.


I felt a feathery softness touch my hand, and all the while I saw white. It was like a blazing brightness, blinding my sight. Then, I finally looked around, and all I see is the familiar smell of my room, the unmistakable softness of my bed. 
Right.
It was dream. Yeah, it was just a dream.
But it felt so surreal, possibly more than real.
I placed my hand at my chest, where the subtle beats of my heart resounds―yes, I am here. I am alive. I am awake, and I am blessed.

Sitting up, I prayed and poured out my heart to God for all the things He has done, and continuously doing in my life, and for this incomparable joy that I am feeling at the moment.

As I reflect, and looked back on the past and the life that I have lived, sometimes God allows us to face circumstances in which it would test the very core of ourselves.
Sometimes, in those situations, it felt like it was a now or never battle that we need to face, that we knew deep inside that it's a battle worth fighting for. But often times, we have also forgot that it is not our battle alone but His―that apart from Him we are nothing. It's like chasing after the wind, utterly and inevitably meaningless and in vain.

Now I know, that God allows unanswered prayers, not because He loves us less when we sin but He wants us to realize that we need Him more. More than the prayers we are asking of. More than the things He could give or do for us. More than anything else before Him. 

I realized that I need Him. Him alone.That He is the only answer to my endless 'whys' and buckets of 'ifs'.That my life would mean nothing if I don't have Him―as my Savior, my Father, my friend, my Redeemer, my Counselor, my peace, my joy, and all the other attributes of Him.

My life, and my journey begins and will end in Him.

Thank you Abba Father for Your unfailing love.
There's nothing good in me, but with a broken, a pure, a contrite, and a humble heart―I ask that You seal my heart and make it a heart after Yours.

And as I wait for You, I am made faithful.

Soli Deo gloria! :') ♡♡♡

Love Never Fails

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” ―1 Corinthians 13:13

Happy Heart's Day lovelies!

Here's the lyrics of one of my favorite songs.
For me, this song really depicts the true meaning of love. 

Enjoy! ♥


"Love Never Fails" by Brandon Heath

Love is not proud, love does not boast

Love after all matters the most
Love does not run, love does not hide
Love does not keep locked inside

Love is a river that flows through
Love never fails you

Love will sustain, love will provide
Love will not cease at the end of time
And love will protect, love always hopes
And love still believes when you don't
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you 

When my heart won't make a sound
When I can't turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this, greater than this

'Cause love is right here, love is alive
Love is the way, the truth, the life
Love is the river that flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
And love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

Hope Is That Small Voice

“The challenges in our lives are there to STRENGTHEN our CONVICTIONS. They are NOT there to run us over.” ―Nick Vujicic

It has been a long day.
The longest three days of my life, I supposed.

It was a beautiful Monday morning, and I was on my way to Makati to conduct a training to our new partner. Though I was a little bit excited and nervous at the same time, I still held my head high and hoped that everything will work out as I imagined it to be.

But before that, (I just want to rewind some things that happened to me on the weekend) I was busy at church for the last rehearsal of the Couples Night Event in which I was one of the organizers (and participant as well).

That event was a success!

Our parents, the elders, and almost all the attendees were happy with everything we have put up, and of course everyone (even us, singles) were so blessed by Bishop Celso's preaching about love. Not that kind of your average love but of God's, not only that kind of "eros" love to and from your partner but that "agape" love that comes from God―the kind of love that transcends all wisdom and understanding of men. Yes, that kind of love that we cannot fathom no matter how hard we try. It's the kind of love that goes far beyond as east is from the west, and the kind of love that is immeasurable neither by height nor depth.

So summing it up, I had a great weekend! But reality comes in, a big day ahead for me.

Going back to my earlier story, it was my first time that I will train outside of the office's premises. My first time to actually train alone.

As I went up to the venue, I knew the moment that I have stepped my foot on the conference room, I am so dead―not literally though, it was an overstatement. From the look on their faces, there's no doubt that they are experts. The ones who have more experience in this field, in this industry. During the training, I felt so small being around them. They kept on throwing questions to me all at once, that made me even question myself about my own capabilities. I have really felt so intimidated and so inferior. At the end of that day, I went out early and directly went home. Inside of the cab, the driver was enthusiastic on telling stories of the current events, showbiz personalities and all, he was so talkative and suddenly stopped when he saw me at his driver's mirror that I was crying. Call me crazy or emotionally disturbed but maybe right then and there, I just couldn't help myself. 

My heart felt so heavy, and my mind was so cloudy of all the things that I have thought of―that I'm not good enough, that I'm not smart like them, that I'm no pro, that I'm not an expert, that I'm not so on and so forth stuff...When I came home, I went directly to my room, locked the door, put down all my things and changed clothes, then that's it! I've cried myself on my bed, to the point of breaking down. I have prayed to God and finding comfort in Him, because I'm so awfully down and I'm so terribly worn out. I've just poured out my heart to God, and let my tears fall. At that precise moment, I just felt how God comforted me, how HE embraced me with HIS unfailing love. HE reminded me to never give up, that in my weakness, HE is my strength. I faithfully thanked God for encouraging me to continue with my battle, to finish strong. I was at peace when I woke up the next day.

Day 2 of training? It has been wonderful. Although, I admitted that the sulky feeling was still there, but I found solace during lunch break. I've called my longtime so-called "Ate" and youth mentor years ago, I was glad that I've talked to her and told her everything. She encouraged me and reminded me that all these things will work together for my good. I was overwhelmed and blessed by the words she shared, I forgot that I needed to go back to the building. As the afternoon surpassed, my doubts and fears totally wiped out when we all had our small talk during break. I've said to them that I'm a newbie in the industry, I'm not really familiar with everything unlike them, and they've understand. I've been true to myself, and to them as well and it felt good, really good.

And as Day 3 continues, the realization just continued to hit me that I've done all this, that I've done my best and it's all worth it. Now, I can see the smile on their faces―the kind of smile that makes me believe in myself more. It went well. I did it!

My realizations after that three days have been profound to the point that it just made me stronger.
To never give up.
To trust God more.
To believe in myself more.

Sometimes, the hardest battle is not what or who surrounds us but a battle within ourselves. I thank my Lord Jesus Christ for the wonderful and humbling experience, though it's been technically tough and challenging to train the so-called "experts". My inferiority almost eat me but God didn't allow it to happen, and instead reminded me that I've got HIS back.

I've learned so many things (the hard way), and I've realized that I am in no competition with no one but myself. I want to be better than the person I was yesterday. I will choose to listen and believe in the VOICE OF TRUTH, that still small VOICE OF HOPE inside of me.

:')

Your Beloved

“I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes.” ―E. E. Cummings

THANK YOU LORD.

I am at loss for words to deeply express how I am feeling at the moment.
But Father, I want to give back all the praises, and glory that YOU deserve, and for adding and still giving me another year to do your will.

24.
Twenty-four years of existence, and with every breath that I breathe,
with every song that I sing,
Lord, I want you to know that I am listening.

As I celebrate this day, I remember and look back on all the journeys that I had.
Those memories that will be forever kept inside my heart.
I am still in awe in the works of your hands, Lord―speechless actually.

Thank you, thank you, and thank you.
I am your beloved, and YOU will always be mine.
I am and will always be grateful to my Lord Jesus Christ!


Soli Deo gloria! :')