Almost Red

“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.” ―Zelda Fitzgerald

It's been a long time since I feel this way,
I'm trying to write you beautifully more than I can imagine.
Those beautiful but sad eyes,
You're exactly the poem I wanted to write.
Like you are surrounded by bright lights and different hues,
And when closely looked at,
You're more than the colors of the whole spectrum...

The more I delve into your eyes,
The more I wonder on your beauty, your strength, your callousness, and your warmth.
Your voice momentarily played back in my head again,
Maybe I wouldn't get enough,
Even if it is ringing ten times over.
The stars, the sun, and even the moon collide,
To form this instantaneous crash of specks inside...

Looking at you feels like looking at sunrise,
The dust, the morning dew, and the cool breeze merged into one.
Like I'm facing the crimson blaze of fire,
Captivating. Radiating. Fiery.
There's so much passion in totality...

I rethink the times I felt like you're there,
The times that I felt like you understand, like I matter.
Have you ever thought that maybe you are important as you think you are to me?
Perhaps I am remembering you in the kindest, sincerest, and in the most heartfelt possible way.
It felt so surreal more than vividly real... 

This beating of my heart never felt this rushed,
Like it was, and is still going fast paced all around the corner.
I couldn't get a catch of what it is supposed to be.
All I know is this ray of hope that maybe we will find each other.
Maybe later or maybe tomorrow,
Or maybe the days after that or maybe the years to come,
I don't know exactly when but I know it would be perfect...

Courage, dear heart.
No need to fear.
No need to hold back.
And maybe, just maybe, this is right―maybe, just maybe, I could feel again...

Hope Is That Small Voice

“The challenges in our lives are there to STRENGTHEN our CONVICTIONS. They are NOT there to run us over.” ―Nick Vujicic

It has been a long day.
The longest three days of my life, I supposed.

It was a beautiful Monday morning, and I was on my way to Makati to conduct a training to our new partner. Though I was a little bit excited and nervous at the same time, I still held my head high and hoped that everything will work out as I imagined it to be.

But before that, (I just want to rewind some things that happened to me on the weekend) I was busy at church for the last rehearsal of the Couples Night Event in which I was one of the organizers (and participant as well).

That event was a success!

Our parents, the elders, and almost all the attendees were happy with everything we have put up, and of course everyone (even us, singles) were so blessed by Bishop Celso's preaching about love. Not that kind of your average love but of God's, not only that kind of "eros" love to and from your partner but that "agape" love that comes from God―the kind of love that transcends all wisdom and understanding of men. Yes, that kind of love that we cannot fathom no matter how hard we try. It's the kind of love that goes far beyond as east is from the west, and the kind of love that is immeasurable neither by height nor depth.

So summing it up, I had a great weekend! But reality comes in, a big day ahead for me.

Going back to my earlier story, it was my first time that I will train outside of the office's premises. My first time to actually train alone.

As I went up to the venue, I knew the moment that I have stepped my foot on the conference room, I am so dead―not literally though, it was an overstatement. From the look on their faces, there's no doubt that they are experts. The ones who have more experience in this field, in this industry. During the training, I felt so small being around them. They kept on throwing questions to me all at once, that made me even question myself about my own capabilities. I have really felt so intimidated and so inferior. At the end of that day, I went out early and directly went home. Inside of the cab, the driver was enthusiastic on telling stories of the current events, showbiz personalities and all, he was so talkative and suddenly stopped when he saw me at his driver's mirror that I was crying. Call me crazy or emotionally disturbed but maybe right then and there, I just couldn't help myself. 

My heart felt so heavy, and my mind was so cloudy of all the things that I have thought of―that I'm not good enough, that I'm not smart like them, that I'm no pro, that I'm not an expert, that I'm not so on and so forth stuff...When I came home, I went directly to my room, locked the door, put down all my things and changed clothes, then that's it! I've cried myself on my bed, to the point of breaking down. I have prayed to God and finding comfort in Him, because I'm so awfully down and I'm so terribly worn out. I've just poured out my heart to God, and let my tears fall. At that precise moment, I just felt how God comforted me, how HE embraced me with HIS unfailing love. HE reminded me to never give up, that in my weakness, HE is my strength. I faithfully thanked God for encouraging me to continue with my battle, to finish strong. I was at peace when I woke up the next day.

Day 2 of training? It has been wonderful. Although, I admitted that the sulky feeling was still there, but I found solace during lunch break. I've called my longtime so-called "Ate" and youth mentor years ago, I was glad that I've talked to her and told her everything. She encouraged me and reminded me that all these things will work together for my good. I was overwhelmed and blessed by the words she shared, I forgot that I needed to go back to the building. As the afternoon surpassed, my doubts and fears totally wiped out when we all had our small talk during break. I've said to them that I'm a newbie in the industry, I'm not really familiar with everything unlike them, and they've understand. I've been true to myself, and to them as well and it felt good, really good.

And as Day 3 continues, the realization just continued to hit me that I've done all this, that I've done my best and it's all worth it. Now, I can see the smile on their faces―the kind of smile that makes me believe in myself more. It went well. I did it!

My realizations after that three days have been profound to the point that it just made me stronger.
To never give up.
To trust God more.
To believe in myself more.

Sometimes, the hardest battle is not what or who surrounds us but a battle within ourselves. I thank my Lord Jesus Christ for the wonderful and humbling experience, though it's been technically tough and challenging to train the so-called "experts". My inferiority almost eat me but God didn't allow it to happen, and instead reminded me that I've got HIS back.

I've learned so many things (the hard way), and I've realized that I am in no competition with no one but myself. I want to be better than the person I was yesterday. I will choose to listen and believe in the VOICE OF TRUTH, that still small VOICE OF HOPE inside of me.

:')