One Last Look

“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out.” ―Stephen King

I smiled back as he walked away, but all the lovely butterflies in my stomach landed one by one in a cold, dead heap...

"It should have been so easy." I said to myself. But now I understand more that it is not. It was and never will be easy to say the things that have been kept inside me for so long.

I remember this passage I had read a long time ago:

"One of the deepest looks that cast a heavy weight on my heart is the look people have when they turn around their shoulder to stare at their love walking away.
It’s such an emotional expression on their face which cannot be simply described; a smile of serenity and tenderness mixed with pain and sore. It’s like there’s nothing in the world around them but vanishing dreams and dead hopes.Yet they’re still there, watching their loved one walk away.
They don’t stop them. They know it’s in vain.
They don’t even turn around; it’s like stolen gazes.
But they keep staring.
Quietly.
Silently.
With that fading ever sweet smile.
A smile of memories and the once-upon-a-time fantasies.
A tear or two slide down their cheek, leaving tainted sparkles.
It’s sad.
And what’s worse is that their looks suddenly go down – when the shadows of their loved one disappear behind the bushes — a moment of realization.
The world gets back; the trees, the birds, the cold breezes and the chats of strangers around.
The earth is turning and time is ticking again.
They give a smile…and continue walking in their own direction.
Never knowing if they’re going to meet that person again.Understanding, alas, that they were never meant to be."

There. Imagine what exactly a person feels after that one last look.
Painful.
Inevitably too painful.

With that one last look, you slowly turn your back...and try to move your feet forward.
Maybe this has been my great escape and my choice at the same time.

I didn't know that it was possible to continue walking, 'til I realized that I have walked so far.
So faraway from him.
Him and his memories. 

From that moment, I locked up my heart and erased what has been there for so long, I knew that it would take time for it to be opened again but I don't mind.

All I know is that I'm tired of fighting my feelings for and to unknown reason, and I'm tired of being hurt in silence...

In silence, I cried.
In silence, I loved.
In silence, I said goodbye...
Maybe it has to be this way or it should be this way.

"I am sorry it took so long for me to catch up, I just got stuck. I will not regret the day I had feelings for him but I was just sorry for allowing those feelings to hurt me and to hurt God." I sincerely said to myself, and with these words along with these tears flowed freely. I knew this could get any better.

It will be better,
and I will be...

I will continue walking away.

More than anything else, I am glad that I learned to give and to take.
I am happy that I had loved him.
Even if I didn't expect him to love me in return,
Even if he didn't love me at the time that I did, I feel it in my heart that he loved me in the best way he knows how..

No words have spoken, no actions done but the string that holds our hearts will remain and that connection will never be forgotten.

I felt it.
I just knew.